Current mood:	crappy
Current music:	yellowcard - view from heaven

[Writer Filter/Private]
My host is listening to Yellowcard and thinking it means something. Yellowcard.

At any rate, you wanna know what I’m thinking, here it goes. I’m thinking that trust is something you should never take for granted, and maybe I did. Maybe I did take Nico for granted, maybe I didn’t give enough, although I’d like to think I tried. I can’t see what she’s seeing, and I don’t know what she remembers or doesn’t, but I’d like to think I was there for her when I could be, and when I wasn’t….well, I wish she’d have SAID something. Instead of just blowing up like that.

I don’t know. Since Taran I’ve sort of been…it’s like some days I wake up and I can’t breathe because I’m so afraid the world is just passing me by, hour by hour. Soon a year. I think that at some level I can’t attach to people, because when I do, I latch on and I don’t let go. I don’t let people go easily, and you’d think I’d have learned how to do that by now. You’d think that I’d be able to tell who was my friend and who wasn’t and what people’s intentions are for me after 19 years, but apparently, I’ve spent all the time I’ve been here learning absolutely nothing because I am so confused right now.

Because, honestly, what the FUCK did she want me to do? Ignore Kala? Isn’t that the exact same bullshit that was pushed her way for all those months last year? Maybe she doesn’t understand, maybe I didn’t let her know. But I was told at least a million times that Nico was not worth it, that I should drop her as a friend, fuck, as a sister; that if I were a real friend to Kala, I’d do it because of all the shit Kala went through on her account. And each time, I said no. I said no, she was my sister; I said no, I love her; I said no, she’s human, she makes mistakes but she doesn’t hurt people on purpose the way you’re saying she does. I said no, she fell in love, is that so much a crime?

I SAID NO, does that mean ANYTHING to her?

Kala has not been there for me always in the way that Nico has, no, but she wants to be now. Or at least I think she does. I hope she does, I hope that this is not some sort of power-play, that I’m some stupid prize to be won. I have paint stains on nearly everything I own, I haven’t seen a movie in ages, I haven’t had any sort of real significant other in over a year, my stupid hair isn’t even one normal color anymore, and I can’t paint my nails to hide the paint under them because I bite them too much. I mean, Jesus…I don’t think too hard about my life anymore.

But I want to go to Ireland with her. And I want Nico to be ok with it.

I always thought I had Nico, and maybe that’s where I made a mistake. I took her for granted, I take everything for granted, don’t I? It’s stupid. But I can’t believe…I can’t believe she just asked me to take a side like that, didn’t even ask, just ranted about me in the third person. She’s my sister and I love her, but…..goddamn it, I have been stuck between this rock and this hard place for the better part of nearly a year and a half and I am sick of it. Sick of it.

I am sick of having to think about what I can say and not say, and I am sick of seeing distrust in everybody’s eyes. I am sick of this fucking universal justice scale, and I am sick of being told who I can and cannot be friends with in accordance to someone else’s laws. Nobody is the devil here. Nobody is evil incarnate, nobody is trying to ruin anybody else’s life between the two of them. She called me sister and I thought she meant it, but if this is all that it takes to break that fucking right in half then she never should have even called me that in the first place.